Monday Musings: My 2014 Failure

Four years ago around December, I was evicted and had to say goodbye to everything that I owned.

Yes, you read it right. This is a story that I have not dared to tell anyone. Why? Shame stopped me.

As an idealist and an eternal perfectionist, I found it as a hard pill to swallow. Yet it is a part of my past that I look back to not in bitterness but in bliss.

There are usually two perpetrators that creates change in a person’s life, one is voluntary and the other one is compulsory.

As I continued living my big city adventure, I haphazardly decided to devout more time for a relationship, one that I thought was worth throwing everything all away. Little did I know, this choice would bring my worst downfall. No year can ever compare to 2014, for the moment at least, when I took a crazy plunge and fell hard in a deep ravine.

Half blind, I woke up too late from a dream and realising I have made a nightmare.

2014 started quite promising, I just had a major victory winning the first placement for Philippines in Miss SCUBA International. My aim was to take a year off to go full-time on volunteering for causes that I believed in. So I packed my backpack to join an acquaintance on a rebuilding effort in Bantayan Island, Cebu.

I stayed with a local family along with the other volunteers I met during the Typhoon Haiyan evacuation operations at Villamor Airbase. We stayed for about a week then decided we needed to go back. I confidently left a small amount of money to donate for the boats being built by the Bantayan Back to Sea. After spending a big part of my prize money to the cause, we ended up crashing my sister’s place in Cebu as we booked a ticket on the ferry to head back to Manila. Weeks later, we found out that the volunteer who initiated the fundraising scammed us. Joshua Magalong (not certain til this day if this was his real name) ended up stealing the funds we raised, taking my personal donation with him.

Brokenhearted, I decided to stop volunteering for a months focusing on trying to earn money to cover for a contract that I signed up for without knowing the financial burden it placed on me. This contract I signed because I wanted to live with a guy I dated which I found out months after was still seeing his ex girlfriend but since I signed a year-long contract with my name on it, I had to deal with it. I would spend weekends at least 8 hours in summer wear in different computer stores in different malls promoting a certain brand of laptops just to make enough money to pay for rent because I decided that freelance work was better and event modelling would be enough.

May came and I ended up in another relationship that seemed promising. I would spend more time with this person than focusing on making a living to the point of cooking breakfast and lunch daily while trying to get booked for events. I even ended up being a stunt double in one of the local movies.

By the end of November, I was flat broke. Despite my mother’s financial assistance it was not enough. The same month the ex boyfriend left to return to his country and I barely heard from him. He also had his own battles and was still adjusting to life after internship. From then on, it just went downhill. I went out with friends who were promoters and compensated badly. I reached my point of desperation where I could not make any good decisions. I still tried to raise money through side gigs and even putting all my money to compete in an International Competition in China.

I remember the day of my flight, my landlady already gave me a notice for eviction and so I had to leave early for them not to notice. I brought all my stuff and only had enough money to cover for the travel tax. I had to take the bus with all the luggage and walk to the international terminal from the bus stop just because I was low in cash.

I made it to Shenzhen because the modelling agency covered for all my expenses. I would do my best for the next ten-day to compete and be the top candidate. While competition I had gotten a blister which worsened to a full on infection. My left foot was swollen but I could not afford to fail. The girls saw me limping but when I was on stage, I smiled like it did not matter. I had my eyes on the prize. This was my last chance to win a good amount of money to payback my mother and the rent. However, the competition turned out to be fixed and was already planned. I went back to Philippines with worse depression, I did not know what to do. It was almost Christmas and about two days after I took with me a small bag to go with a couchsurfer to walk around Binondo when I went back to my apartment, they asked me to leave.

For Christmas eve, I was homeless but I could not afford to tell anyone else apart from my family. My mother scolded me and told me she would be okay if I got sent in jail. For days, I would just walk around the mall and luckily a friend offered a place for me to sleep. No one knew that I have no other place to go. I just kept pretending everything was okay. I would just sit for hours at the park crying and thinking why I ended up like this. It was only until my sister called saying that she was sending money that I found hope. This is how I ended up in Tacloban. With the little money sent to me, I bought a couple of pieces of clothing and a knock off North Face backpack. On the day that I was about to leave, I made a resolution to let go of everything in Manila. To forget the hurt, the lies and the life. I wanted to rewrite every failure and start to rebuild my life.

“…throw roses into the abyss and say: ‘here is my thanks to the monster who didn’t succeed in swallowing me alive.”

Friedrich Nietzsche, posthumous fragments

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.